America is now in Trump Year One: Like A Plague, But Kinda Worse.
It has been a very weird year compared to the past few to the point where someone like Sen. Ted Cruz is barely a blip on our screen because Cruz seems sort of “meh” compared to the daily tsunami of Trump atrocities that have us drowning in depression.
Which takes us to this year’s round-up of faces that we would totally punch if it weren’t wrong and illegal.
Of course, our list contains no women because we don’t even joke about hitting women.
Owner of punchable face: Donald Trump Jr.
Occupation: Executive Vice President, Future Felons of America
The face: Oil-based white privilege
Crimes against humanity: Remember when we thought that Eric was the stupid one? Trump Jr. is so desirous of getting his share of the 10 percent of daddy’s love that isn’t lavished on Ivanka that he will do anything for a pat on the head – and now he is probably going to jail for it. We imagine that after he claimed attorney-client privilegewhen he refused to say what he told his dad, he probably smirked and looked around for a high-five that was not forthcoming. Because he is an idiot. If there is any justice, this pinhead’s mugshot will be used to illustrate all future articles on the Dunning-Kruger effect.
Owner of punchable face: Joel Osteen
Occupation: Evangelist, poor-hater, future denizen of Hell for all of eternity
The face: Seriously, the guy looks like an idiot dachshund. (Pro-tip: if you tell him he looks like a dachshund on Twitter, you will get blocked.)
Crimes against humanity: While Houston drowned, mega-church founder and religious fraud Osteen turned his back on his community, locking down his home and his properties during the almost Biblical-type flooding brought about by Hurricane Harvey while lying about their roads surrounding them.
But, hey, let’s use the Gospel of Luke (16: 19- 26) to understand why this is problematic for Joel:
There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.
The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. In Hades, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’
But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been set in place, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’
Joel, my dude, you’re so screwed.
Owner of punchable face: Steve Bannon
Occupation: Breitbart CEO, decaying former host of a long dead soul
The face: Rotting from the inside out
Crimes against humanity: Bannon is the spewing hellmouth of everything that is going wrong with America. Despite the outward appearance of something that looks like someone lives in a bus stop bathroom, Bannon turned a Breitbart gig into a White House gig and then into a career exemplified by defending accused pedophilesbecause: “western values.” When everyone else has stopped advertising at Breitbart, NAMBLA will be there with check in hand, although even they probably won’t want to shake hands with him to seal the deal.
Via TBogg. Tom Boggioni, a writer based in San Diego, Ca. More specifically in Pacific Beach.